Often we keep quiet about what we want until the very last moment, and then “explode” with complaints. Or we speak up right away, but in a way that our partner only hears criticism: “You never help!”, “You don’t care about me!” What we get back is defense or attack. So how do you communicate your needs and break out of this cycle?
Why are we afraid to ask?
- We’re afraid of being turned down.
- We think “they should just figure it out.”
- We don’t want to look weak or needy.
The golden rule: “I statements”
This is the foundation of healthy communication. Instead of talking about your partner (“YOU…”), talk about your feelings and the facts (“I…”).
Before: “You’re always glued to your phone instead of talking to me!” After: “I really miss your attention. I feel lonely when we’re both on our phones in the evening. Can we set aside half an hour with no screens?”
How do you ask for what you need? 3 steps
1. Describe the situation with facts
No judgments and no generalizations like “always” or “never.” Just what a camera would see. “When I see dirty dishes in the sink in the evening…“
2. Say how you feel
Honestly and openly. ”…I feel tired and irritated, because I want to rest, not clean up.”
3. Make a specific request
The request should be doable and positive (say WHAT to do, not what NOT to do). “Please wash the dishes right after dinner, it would really help me.”
How should you react to a no?
Remember: what makes a request different from a demand is that the answer can be “no.” If your partner says no, don’t attack. Ask: “What’s getting in the way? How can we find a compromise?”
Talking about needs is intimacy
When you open up about your needs, you become vulnerable, and that brings you closer. That’s what real intimacy is.
In the HappyWe app we teach couples the art of conversation. Our 28-day program includes communication exercises that help you hear each other and be heard, without fights or hurt feelings. Start speaking the language of love today.